The defiant child
I never really thought about the different “types” of children there were, and what fueled their behaviors, but within this past year with the events of COVID, and all that it brought, I was forced to evaluate my child’s behaviors, personality, and my parenting style.
My 5 year old daughter used to be a sweet, pretty well behaved little girl, and then COVID hit and she was forced to do remote learning for school. Anything after that was like an avalanche that moved quickly, no warning, no chance of stopping anytime soon. Her personality and behavior completely changed, like a chameleon adapting to it’s surroundings, but this chameleon hadn’t the faintest idea of how to change back.
I always assumed for the most part, with decent parenting and healthy support for your children, that tantrums pretty much quieted down by the time children were three, with the exception of one here and there through the following years. She had never been one to continually take tantrums on a daily basis, even when she was small, she was a pretty pleasant child and anything during that time was manageable. But as she transitioned to the big age of five and began remote learning, she became much more hyperactive than your average five year old, and developed the attitude of a ten. I at first thought she may have ADHD because my son had been diagnosed when he was four, so taking the necessary route of diagnosis, we began treating her for it once we found out it was in fact that.
Then came the excessive tantrums when she failed to get her way, and when I say excessive, I don’t use that term lightly. It was like a tornado invaded our home several times a day, bringing with it this dark thick cloud that hung over us as the events unfolded, unwilling to let up until she either got her way, or calmed down due to being distracted. I’ve researched as much as I possible could, and found that no two tantrums are alike, as no two treatments. We all have different parenting styles, children with different personalities, so what works for one won’t work for another. Her tantrums were explosive, loud, full of constant tears, screaming, and pulling on my shirt to gain my attention when I chose the “active ignoring” method (which didn’t work for her) by the way.
It got to the point that it became too much for those living with me, to have to endure, but what exactly was I to do? I had tried the time outs while explaining what acceptable behavior looked like, and how hers wasn’t okay and the consequences, but that failed time and time again. Taking privileges with the intent of allowing her to earn them back was a next step. It never worked, not even from the start, not even after quite some time of doing this had passed.
I felt defeated, a failure, a lousy parent, and the looks from others on our outings made it worse. Then I turned to my parenting support group and realized, “If I’m a failure, a bad parent, so are they.” They were going through very similar situations such as mine, if not almost identical and to see how they struggle and give in to those feelings of defeat and despair over their situation, was awakening for me. I realized perhaps this situation was out of my control, and I needed to get that back. I would do whatever I had to, to help my kids with their behaviors, and research as many techniques I could with the intent of finding one that worked.
We all have our struggles, our hurdles, our speed bumps, however you choose to classify them. Parenting kids may not be all rainbow and sunshine 24–7, but it’s well worth it, even when you get frustrated with your children, even if you find yourself saying things you don’t mean in the midst of that, or just needing to isolate yourself in a separate room because you “just can’t” with your kids and don’t want to be around them right then, that’s ok. We’re not perfect parents, we have emotions just like anyone, feelings that may get hurt, tempers that may flare when you find yourself raising your voice, even thought inside that’s not who you are. WE ARE HUMAN.
At the end of the day, your love for your child, your protectiveness, what you would do for them on a daily basis as the person they depend on, that matters. Don’t let other parents make you feel inadequate with their judging because they think they could “do better”, or because they’re damn sure in their eyes that they have a better behaved child. Those are the sort of people who don’t blink when it comes to being judgmental, who are self absorbed, and are plainly comfortable setting that example for their own children.
Life is tricky these days, hell, it’s always been tricky and full of land mines since roman times, and if you look hard enough, you see the similarities between those times and ours, with the exception of certain blatant actions of course. We as parents are just trying to navigate this world and raise well adjusted, responsible human beings and that in itself can be tricky. There is no parenting manual for the perfect child, or parent for that matter, so we do our best, and that “best” is sometimes all we can do.
